Take Me As I AM
by TEagan1955
Summary: Wolfstar. Sirius finds himself in a slightly awkward position trying to help his best friend. (i do have this story on another website, it is rated MA but i cant find that option please dont judge me or be mad.)
1. Chapter 1

I laid in bed berating myself. I knew it was against the Marauder's code of Ethics to break into Remus's silencing charm, but to be fair when I did it a week ago and it was because I thought Remus was having nightmares again and wasn't telling me. I quickly found out that that wasn't the case when I was awoken to the sounds of moaning, groaning, yells of ecstasy and begging for various sexual requests. I, very red-faced, knew I should have ended the enchantment right away. But what if that was a one time thing. Surely Remus wasn't sexing things up _every night_ week in and week out. However a solid seven days later I kept being woken up to the same thing over and over. Night in and night out. At first I blocked out the sounds, desperate to give my best mate some space. After the third night I started paying more attention. Honestly the things Remus _begged_ for. Like he was some kind of sex slave or something. Why would anyone ask for that? That's not what Remus needed, not what he deserved.

"I want you to beg for it." Said a random voice I couldn't identify. Honestly Remus had someone new every day, sometimes more than one person. "I want you to _beg_ me to stuff my thick prick so far down your throat that you are _choking_ , so that you can't breathe and the only thing you know is my big, thick, throbbing prick rubbing up and down your tight, wet, little throat. I want you to _beg_ for it. For what you want so desperately, don't you you little whore." Continued the voice and I had finally had enough. I pushed back my curtains and marched over to Remus's bed jerking open the curtain and ending the silencing charm. Rando shrieked like a little girl.

"Sirius!" Remus asked, sitting up straight in bed. I grabbed Rando by the back of his throat and threw his naked ass onto the floor of the room, efficiently waking up both James and Peter.

"Don't you ever talk to him again you little piece of shit!" I roared.

"Oy! What is going on here?" James asked, getting out of bed and turning on the lights. "Oh my naked man!" James shrieked the last part and jumped like he'd just seen a spider. Peter got out of bed and swished his wand, suddenly Rando was wearing pajamas I didn't recognize and was being manhandled out of the room.

"What did he do?" Peter asked after firmly shutting the door behind Rando. "Did he try to rape you Moony?" Peter asked sleepy eyed. I smiled fondly at him for a second. He was always someone I could rely on to get the job that needed getting done done and asked questions later.

"No!" Remus said slightly mad and still very shocked.

"Ok." Peter said then turned to me. "What'd he do?" Remus scuffed.

"It doesn't matter now does it?" I asked without wanting an answer. Peter shrugged and climbed back into bed. I smiled fondly once more. He was also content with non-answers and didn't push for more information. Everyone needs a friend like that.

"Everything's good then?" James asked, looking at me. We all knew Remus had things slightly twisted when it came to himself, just like they all knew the same for me.

"What _is_ going on?" Remus asked confused.

"Everything is good." I responded. James nodded his head, crawled back into bed, and hit the lights. I pushed my way into Remus's bed and closed the curtain again, activating the silencing charm once more. Before Remus could say anything I knew I had to explain myself before I landed on the floor like Rando. "I broke into your silencing charm-"

"Sirius!" He yelled baffled.

"I thought you were getting nightmares again!" I quickly defended.

"So when you heard the sound of me not screaming in fear but instead pleasure you decided to just kick him out!" He asked still upset. "What! I can't let off steam every once in awhile!"

"You can! But you keep the charm up every week except for the week of the full moon! I thought the same! Let off steam every once in awhile that's fine! But every day for a fuc-" I paused at the wording and blushed deeply "-a _sodding_ week." his eyes widened.

"You've been listening in for a _week?_ " He asked. "Sirius, most people don't use their best mates for wanking material." He said softly. I scuffed, as if.

"Ew, first, just ew. No I wanted to make sure there wasn't nightmares you weren't telling me about. We all know I help you the most with those and I don't want you locking me out from being able to help you. I know I should have stopped listening in but honestly the way those _people_ talked to you, like you were some kind of _sex toy_ -"

"Sirius." He tried to interrupt me.

"No, Remus, it wasn't right. That's not what you deserve. Choking, pounding, begging. You deserve something better." I said and gently caressed his cheek to his chin. I hardly realized what I was doing. He smile softly.

"Sirius." He said softly, encouraging me.

"You deserve gentleness, like this." I said and kissed him. Right there, on his lips. For a good solid second and a half. I smiled to myself as I pulled away from him. He smiled at me and grabbed my hand.

"Sirius, I _like_ begging. I _like_ choking." He said and slowly dragged my hand down his chest. I was expecting to feel a waistband any second but instead my hand was meet with coarse hair and a very _very_ hard cock. I gasped inaudibly. He traced one of his own hands down my chest and to my waistband. He moved his hand underneath and I was frozen in anticipation and and...want. His fingers went around my cock and my breath caught somewhere in my throat. "And you like me...don't you? That's why you spend the night with me when I have the nightmare's. That's why you kicked out that guy." He smiled up at me. "I like you too Sirius, let me show you how much." He smirked. Suddenly he jerked down my pants and pulled out my cock which was very hard. He curled his beautiful lips around my cock and started sucking on it. I gasped and grabbed onto his shoulders for support. Eventually he maneuvered my pants off of me entirely. Next thing I know He's putting my hands against the wall and maneuvering himself into an upright position against the headboard, lifting me with him. Sucking and licking and kissing and nipping. Sending thrills I'd never experienced before shooting down my spine and every nerve ending I had, even ones I didn't know I had.

Remus put his hands on my hips and slowly pushed me farther into his mouth. Farther than I thought possible. My hands turned to fist and I was gasping for breath as my entire body filled with the most pleasureable fire possible as he keep pushing me farther and farther. He made a small choking sound and instantly I tried to pull out, but Remus held me tighter and pushed farther until his mouth was right up against my skin. Then he used his hands to control my hips forward and back and forward and back, fucking himself with my body. I let him do as he please, no control I had no control and I couldn't be happier. Eventually we were going at a nice fast steady beat that I was able to willingly follow, finally over the shock. He kept one hand on my hips to steady me and let his other hand wander down to my bollocks playing with them. I jumped slightly and Remus made another choking sound.

"Sorry, sorry." I muttered, my voice strained.

He made a humming sound and shivers shot through my whole being. I whimpered trying to hold it all in. I could feel a short of smile around the base of my cock. He could tell. I couldn't last for shit, this was was _bloody_ amazing, beyond words. I couldn't even begin to describe the sensation, the satisfaction, the pure _pleasure_. He pulled my cock from his throat and I made a pathetic whimpering sound, but couldn't possibly care. I just wanted more. I just wanted him. He started sucking with such a force that I moaned quite loudly, having no control as my hands wandered down to his hair, his beautiful, soft, fluffy hair. I held on for my life and felt him moan around my cock sending shivers right up and down my spine all over again. I could feel a tightening in my bollocks like I'd never experienced before as his hand continued to play with them. His other hand wandered from my hip down my arse and and I felt a finger gently press against my arse hole and I saw white, as I grabbed Remus's hair even tighter. He continued to suck as I emptied myself in his mouth. I could feel him sucking and swallowing. When i finished, he ran his tongue over the head of my cock and i moaned and groaned, falling to the bed next to him, my cock falling out of his mouth.

He smirked, the turned me over so I was resting on my stomach. I hummed contently, closing my eyes as I felt sleep starting to descend upon me. Remus start placing lazy kisses down my back until he was at my arse. He spread my legs slightly so he could rest between them. I abandoned sleep and turned to look at him quite smirked at me once, then his head disappeared as his hands spread my arse cheeks. I squeaked ever so elegantly when I felt a warm, wet, tongue trance along my arsehole. I quickly tried to jump up and move out of the way. Remus however placed a reassuring, and deceivingly strong hand on the small of my back steadying me where I was. He went back down and within seconds I was shuddering and moaning. Groaning and gripping at the sheets, pleasure I didn't even know possible shoot through my body, just like earlier but completely different. I was moaning and rutting against him. Wanting more, wanting more of what I had no idea but more. I needed more, I needed Remus. This went on for minutes, hours, days. _Time_. It went on for a length of time that doesn't _matter_ because what even is time when Remus is on his hands and knees licking at my arse in a way I didn't know existed feeling things I didn't know existed and never _ever_ wanting it to stop.

Then he pulled away, and I swear on Merlin's grave I mewed. I mewed with disappointment and longing and above all else anticipation. Remus pulled me up to my knees and laid down in the middle of the bed. Silently I looked at him, awaiting my que. He held out his hand and caught a jar of something that I couldn't have been paid to guess at. He opened the jar and lathered something onto his lovely cock. I went to kiss it but he used a hand to stop me. He transfigured a scrap of cloth into a towel and wiped his hand off on it. He grabbed my hands and pulled me towards him. Then he took one of his hands and pressed on my leg until it went to one side of him. I let my other leg mimic the one his hand was on. Suddenly I blushed fiercely. I was straddling Remus. This was...This was absurd. I-I what?

He laid a calming hand on my chest and instantly I relaxed, feeling safe and at home. He pushed my up a little closer so I was hovering over his cock. He put one hand on his cock and another went under my bollocks and found my arsehole once more. I gasped. He took away the deviously beautiful finger and instead moved it to my hips, maneuvering me down onto him. Not gently but rushed. I groaned loudly from slight pain and yet from pleasure. Remus's own groan of pleasure mixed into the air with mine. He muttered a few words and I felt a tinge of magic crawl through me. He then put his other hand on my hip and started thrusting himself into me and me onto him. It was far faster than what I felt ready for but with each thrust I was sent to a land of pure bliss that overwhelmed the shooting pain. He continued to use his hands on my hips to continue the crushing speed even when I started to thrust in time with him, but each stroke, each thrust I felt something I can't even describe. A pleasure that radiated to every inch of my body, the pain was ever present but honestly who cares if you have a stabbing pain whilst walking on the very shores of heaven. And it wasn't just the sensations, but the very sounds escaping his lips, his beautiful, full, lips that I just want to nip ever so lightly, never to hurt, never ever to hurt this man but just just to do it, just so it would be mine.

The moans, the groans, and eventually the small silent whisper of my name, and _Merlin_ how I said his name louder and louder and louder. Till I was shouting and yelling and needing him and wanting him. My hands travel his chest and everything was bliss everything. There was of course pain but how could there ever be beauty without pain. I gripped at his chest and needed him, how I needed him.

"Remus." I moaned weakly, needily. And he pulled me off of him suddenly. I cried out for lost because I needed more so so much more. I needed him inside of me, I needed him. I cried out of course for pain, such a ripping pain, coupled with the unbearable lost, but then his mouth was on my cock again. My hands found his hair again and he suck and sucked until I was empty then he was sucking and swallowing and consuming me, my mind, body and soul everything was his. Everything will only ever be his and Merlin I could never be happier. He pulled me down next to him again, pulled me close and together we went to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

This went on for a good two weeks, to the point where I stopped even trying to go to my own bed at night. Finally James and Peter sat us both down.

"You sleep in the same bed-" James spoke.

"Use silencing charms every night-" Peter continued .

"Sirius kicked out a random naked guy-" James intoned.

"Remus stops sneaking men into the room every night-" Peter said casually, he knew before I did?

"It's not nightmares at all is it?" James asked.

"You guys are dating." Peter spoke before either Remus or I could answer James's question.

"How could you keep this from us?" James whined like a mother stricken.

"Honestly, like we wouldn't find out." Peter shook his head like a disappointed father.

"Look guys, it's nothing major. Yes we fuck, but we're not even sure if it's serious yet...no pun intended." Remus said and my heart shattered.

"Yeah, you both know if it was something _Sirius_ -" I winked and they all rolled their eyes. "I would be running for the hills and wanting nothing to do with it." I lied perfectly, smiling widely. Remus nodded, and sniffed as he looked to the side. Allergy season. James and Peter nodded. Conversation over. I smiled fondly, they really are the best friends I could ever ask for, the best family I could ever ask for. They left it at that, until of course a few nights later while Lily, James, Peter, Remus and I were the last five in the common room sharing a few smuggled bottles of butterbeer. We were all joking around the fire,Remus and I on the couch with James sitting in one of the arm chairs, Lily sitting on him and Peter in the other arm chair. With all of us slightly tipsy and leaning more towards honesty than usual. Remus of course was reading a book.

"Honestly Remus what does it take to get you to put down that bloody book?" Asked Peter.

"A good sound wrestle in the sheets, ay Remus?" I said and laughed loudly at my own joke, like only I could.

"Honestly, hush Sirius,or you'll corrupt poor Remus!" Lily chastised. Which of course only caused me to laugh harder.

"Me? Corrupt Remus? Are you crazy? He doesn't need any help! He's corrupted me Lils! I'm the one who needs saving!" I said laughing. Remus blushed pink, but never looked up from his book, while James and Peter joined me in my laughter. Lily looked around confused.

"Remus? Corrupt? Sirius, Remus is a _doll_ and you. Well you've made your way around more than just our common room and more than just our year." Lily spoke confused and slightly confrontational.

"To be perfectly honest Lily I have not." I said, admitting something I never have before, except of course, to James. She gave me a disbelieving look.

"Sirius you've _shagged_ over half the student _bodies_ from fifth year up!" Lily said.

"And who told you that love?" James asked, a wide smile on his face.

"Well... _everybody!"_ Exclaimed Lily.

"Everyone? But not me, not Peter, not Remus and certainly not Sirius." James said, his smile never wavering.

"Yes, well his little smirk whenever it's mentioned is more than enough of a yes." Spoke Remus, still not putting the book down.

"Wait, I thought he let people exaggerate to make his family mad...don't purebloods have a very strict, 'Don't Date Just Marry' or if they're relaxed, 'Only Date if You Think You'll Marry' kind of thing?" Peter asked.

"Yes we do-" James said and gave a wide-eyed Lily a squeeze.

"Of course if people wanted to spread rumors that would make my parents mad I wasn't going to negate them. Definitely not agree to them, but not deny either." I chimed in

"You plan to mar-" Lily started to ask James, but Remus cut her off, bringing the conversation back to where it started

"But surely not all of them were lying." Remus drawled, shifting on the couch.

"Or where they?" I said teasingly. Remus glanced at me, he gave me a quick once over.

"No." Remus finally decided and turned back to his book, completely missing my slightly hurt expression. I took a big swig of butterbeer and grabbed another bottle.

"Well then how many people _have_ you shagged?" Lily asked getting to the point. "At least two hundred right? That's about half the rumors." She reasoned. "Not counting the ones from fourth year down, or fourth _years_ down."

"Less." I said, willing to play her game.

"Alright, half that then, one hundred." Lily waved a hand in the air like it was decided.

"Less." I smirked.

"She's not talking just this year Sirius." Remus chimed and turned a page.

"Neither am I." I said my voice losing some of the laughter.

"Fifty." Lily demanded, sitting up straight, no longer leaning on James.

"Less." I said with the same intensity leaning closer to her, mirroring her.

"Twenty-five I could believe, no more." Peter said joining the conversation.

"Thank you for the faith Peter, but less than that." I said smiling fondly at him. I really truly can always count on him.

"Less than twenty-five?" Remus asked half closing the book to look at me.

"Less than twenty." I countered looking at shout me a confused look.

"Nineteen." Remus countered, putting the book down. Giving me his full attention. I tilted my head in confusion, why would this matter so much to him.

"Don't take baby steps Remus, let's get to the bottom of this, fifteen." Lily said, thinking this still a game. I took one last look at Remus before turning back to Lily, wondering if it was a game anymore. I didn't see Remus grab a butterbeer but I did hear the scrape of the glass bottle against the wooden table. I heard the snap of the cap and I heard the guzzle of him drinking more than he's been known to, this would be his fourth bottle. He _never_ drinks more than three. He doesn't have the tolerance.

.

My heart started beating frantically and I don't know why, haha for the love of Merlin I don't know why. It's a simple secret being shared amongst friends. It's a simple secret, a small part of who I am why, whywhy _why_ would it matter to anyone how many people I've slept with or not? Why would it matter here. What could this possibly change.

"Ten?" Asked Lily.

"Nope, less than sweetie." I said not knowing why.

"Seven?"

"Less." Lily shook her head.

"Better than me." She muttered leaning back against James.

"What!" James sputtered. Lilly turned wide-eyes to James and shrugged slightly making a weird face. Saying 'Oops' without saying a word.

"Six." Remus asked desperate. I turned back to look at him, he looked slightly unwound. "Five." He said going lower. I just looked at him. "Four!" He practically yelled. Now everyone was looking at him shocked. He drained the last of the bottle. I stared at it in shock. "Three." He practically begged.

"He's slept with one person Remus. You." James said, sensing something was going very wrong.

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remus shouted, standing throwing the empty bottle against a wall with all his might. The sound of it shattering sounded just like my heart. He started breathing heavily. "Me! Just me?" He asked turning back to me. I nodded mutely. "Surely you've done other things. Third base?"

"Remus." I said quietly, whispering as best as I could. "I've never done anything sexual with anyone. You're my first…my first everything."

"Nothing sexual? You've never; surely you've wanked?" Remus asked pulling at his face. He whimpered when he saw the disgusted look on my face. "Wait. First everything? You've never kissed?" Remus asked, tears filling in his eyes and one falling free. I stood up. How dare he.

"Of course I've been kissed. _We've_ kissed." I said strongly, feeling my own eyes water.

"That wasn't a kiss! That-that was hardly a peck! Half a second-"

"A SECOND AND A HALF!" I yelled, hurt. So unbelievably hurt.

"OhmyMerlin. You said I didn't deserve it, Sirius _you_ didn't deserve what _you_ got. I've been so _rough_. I had thought surely you were where I was, over two hundred people-"

"Merlin he _is_ corrupt." Whispered Lily.

"Ok, bed time Lils." James said and picked her up.

"Is that why you won't fuck me?" She asked. "Because of marriage?"

"Because of marriage." He responded and vanished the remaining bottles.

"I think I'll go to sleep to." Peter said, heading up the stairs to the boy's dorm. James placed Lily on the girls stairs, kissed her goodnight, then followed after Peter.

"I'm sorry I'm not experienced enough for you." I spat, feeling my body break, my mind break, my soul break. He was supposed to mine forever he was supposed to never reject me. How could I be so stupid to lose him.

"No." He whimpered breathing deeply. Yes! Of course it's no! He doesn't want me! No, I'm not experienced enough for him. No! I will never be worth him. No I'm not a _serious_ endeavor for him!. No! Sirius! Bad Sirius! NoNO _NO!_ I sat down on the bed and pulled at my hair. "Merlin we only even kissed that _once_." He whispered. I banged my fist on the table and he jumped, looking at me.

"Surely you can see I want you. Surly. How! Remus! How one of my best FUC-" I clenched my fist and huffed. " _SODDING_ mates. How could you not know I _hadn't_ slept with that many people. How could you not see _I Bloody Well lo-lo-BLOODY HELL_ Remus! How could you not see I cared about you." I whined the last part, small. I collapsed on the couch as tears fell ever so freely down my face for the first time since I was kicked out of my family house. Since I was burned from the family tree and could no longer look after my little brother. Must all the things and people I truly care about be _ripped_ from my fingertips? "What...what if I _did_ sleep with other people. Kiss other people. Would you be ok with being with me then?

"Sirius, I'm so _so_ sorry I'm an ignorant prat of a friend." Remus said getting in my face, crying just as hard as I was. "I don't want you to be with other people. _Ever_. Past, Present or Future I want you with _me_.Only _ever_ me. Sirius. I just wish I could have been a better first. Merlin how I must have _hurt_ you. You didn't even say anything. You didn't even _complain_." Remus paused as a sob broke from his throat.

"Pain doesn't bother me, it's a part of love, a part of joy and a part of pleasure." I responded, calming down. Being reassured. He wanted me. Is he...is he mad at himself?

"It doesn't have to be. Merlin Sirius, pleasure doesn't _have_ to have pain. I'll show you. Sirius _this_ is how you're first kiss should have been." He said in a whisper, tears streaming down his face.

Remus cupped my face with a gentleness I never experienced before and slowly. Oh so slowly he brought his face closer to to mine and placed his beautiful soft, plush lips on mine, my stupid thin lined mouth and he moved his lips slowly against mine. Like always I let him set the pace. Slowly he dragged a hand through my hair and pulled me closer, I followed his lead,dragging my own hand in his soft hair. His wonderful fluffy hair. Every one of my nerve endings he touched flared to life with a soft, gentle, soothing burn. A fire to ignite but not overwhelm which was almost overwhelming in and of itself. I had to do it, I might never get another chance. I nipped his bottom lip ever so gently just so he would know he was mine. He would only ever be mine. He moaned and slowly ran his wonderful tongue against my bottom lip and Merlin help me I gasped and bless that for I got gifted like never before.

His tongue, his magical tongue was inside my mouth and exploring every inch because heaven knows it's all for him. Heaven knows it will never ever be for anyone else. Merlin did I let lose such a groan. Next thing I know I'm on my back on the couch in the common room with my beautiful, powerful, fantastic man right there on top of me. But instead of ripping at my clothes to get it off of me in record time he just laid there, slowly moving on top of me. Slowly taking note of every inch of my mouth then nudging my tongue so I could do the same to him. Then tantalizingly wonderful closed mouth kisses so our lips would be slightly red and swollen. Then he took his beautiful mouth and moved it from my own and started traveling to my chin and following the line up to my ear where he nibbled and licked and breathed oh so heavily turning me on a smooth gentle way so unknown to me. Then he moved down to my neck, desperately I tried to bring my mouth closer and get him back to my lips. He grabbed my hair and tugged it in the opposite direction as he kissed and sucked and nipped. Merlin have mercy. Hickeys, proof to show to others that you truly belong to someone.

I grabbed him and forced him from my neck, exposing his without thinking. Without realizing I was taking some control as I lowered my mouth to the soft, exposed skin there and gently began sucking and nipping, and kissing the area until I could see it big and red and purple. I licked and kissed it as I pulled away. Remus stood and grabbed my hand tugging me to the bedroom.

"I'll do it right this time I promise you." He said "Because you, _you_ _Sirius Orion Black_ , you I want to be serious about." My body felt tingles go up and down every _single_ nerve ending he activated and for once it wasn't for bodily pleasure but instead a pleasure deep down in my soul. For once I was wanted and welcomed so deeply and completely and I knew this was it. I knew this was love even though I knew I couldn't say it. Just like I couldn't say it earlier. Who falls in love after less than a month of dating? No one. But I don't think I belong in the 'no one' category anymore. I belong in a category for me, for me and Remus. He very lightly pushed me down onto my bed for once, he climbed ontop of me, shifting his weight so I didn't support most of it just like he had on the sofa. He began kissing me just like he had on the sofa once more. My heart melted and became gush for this wonder of a man, for _my_ man.

Slowly his hand began to wander and mine followed suit, exploring every inch of each other by feel for once. Not just looks. There was cuddling and pulling close. Eventually our shirts game off then there were feather light kisses surrounding both of our bodies till we felt like one. One whole person. There was something new, yet still sensual in the old way. Nipples, surprisingly are just as sensitive on a male as they are made out to be on a female. Just as suckable, just as lightly nibble-able, just as sound productive. The curtains filled with moans and groans and the soft whispers of each other's name.

"Silencio" We heard James cast, making us aware we forgot to cast our own silencing charm. We both gave out deep throaty laughs and cuddled closer, holding each other together. Feeling the strong press of muscle against muscle. I bit his shoulder and his hand traveled down to my pant line. Now things will speed up I thought to myself, but he just ran a finger just under the band. A slight whimper escaped my mouth and remus moved down. Using only his mouth he undid my belt, unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down the zipper. Merlin was I more aroused then I think I've ever been before. I needed him, I needed him inside of me like nothing before. Slow could be agonizing and I wanted _more._ Slowly he pull my jeans, and _just_ my jeans from my body. I moved to do the same with him, however I tired to take away more than _just_ his jeans. He however stopped me and held on to his sodding underwear as I pulled his jeans from him. I pushed him down with the force of my body, colliding our tongues once more. Greedily I started exploring his body until he took my wrist and pulled me from him.

"This will not be rushed Sirius, not this time." and he moved himself back on top of me. I relented to his control, unwillingly loving every second of it. There where shy touches and small smirks of delight in the tantalizing slowness of it all. Finally he pulled my underwear from my body. I went to remove his and he pushed me gently back onto the bed. Feather light kisses all over again in an area completely new. Groans forced their way from my body and my hands found their way to Remus's fluffy, soft luxurious hair, curling around strands and pulling perhaps slightly too tightly. He moaned breathily in pleasure and I pulled slightly tighter. He sweetly nipped the skin on my hip and i thrusted in ecstasy. Soon I was rutting against him ever so slightly, desire overwhelming my every sense. I was muttering mumbles of sweet nothings by the time Remus finally allowed me to take off his underwear and I pushed him down, treating him to the same experience. He gasped surprised, but allowed me this. When he was melted putty in my hands like I was for him I finally pulled away to kiss his lips and hold him to me.

"Are you ready love?" He asked me softly and my heart unbelievably grew even more, burst with another round of happiness it had never know, because he call me love. I was his love.

"Ready when you are...love." I responded and smiled giddily up at him, he mimicked my smile then he went between my legs and started to lick me again. Burst of fire fueled by nothing but passion filled my body once more and i groaned, moving and positioning myself to give him better access as my hands found his hair once more. This time it last longer than ever before. Mother of Merlin I felt like I would forget my own name I was so high up on cloud nine I could never see myself coming down ever again. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years but _time. Time_ was passing without any hold on me as my love lay between my legslicking and loving till I was nothing less than a puddle and whimpers and small of making the jar fly into his hands this time he went and grabbed it. Bring it back with him. This time after he lathered himself up he lathered his fingers up and put them inside of me, as easily as if sliding butter and how I whined for him to get inside me, but slowly he moved his finger in out out before adding a second one and stretching lightly, taking his time before adding another.

"Remus." I moaned with an outward breath. I felt him shudder between my legs and I turned to look at him. His eyes were dilated with lust and he bit his lip to keep from moaning out. He was holding himself back but I wouldn't break. "Love." I said breathlessly, he turned his big, pale green eyes staring straight at me, begging and pleading and I just knew exactly what to do, when I never did before. "What do you want to do?" I asked smirking slightly at him.

"I...I want to be inside of you." He said a slight begging tone to his voice and bit his lip again. I smiled and reached out a gentle hand to caress his face, to cup the side of it in my hand. He leaned into the touch trusting. "Then do it love, I'm ready." I said and leaned back down spreading my legs farther. He tried to hold back a moan, but I heard it. Slowly he pushed himself into me, but for once he didn't mutter the words he always mutters. And the stabbing sense of pure uncontrolled ecstasy weren't as frequent. It was only when he hit directly in the right way, the right thrust that I could feel it. Sometimes I felt it a few times in a row but this was better. This was so much better because I got taken away and brought right back to being one with the love of my life as I held him close, kissed his arms to know and believe he was here for me. He would never leave me and he loved every inch of me. And I loved every inch of him and now I could let him know. I could focus on him and there was never a single ounce of pain.

We lost ourselves in each other. For once I could tell when he was close to coming and I pushed him harder and faster, scraping my nails down his back and he came, shuddering right down to his cock inside of me, which dripped just a little as he pulled away from being inside of me. We both verbalized our feeling of lost with monas and groans, but then his mouth was on my cock, sucking and squeezing my bollocks ever so slightly and he rubbed my nipples then I cried out as I came in his mouth and he swallowed it, consuming it like he always does and always will. When I was empty I pulled him up to me and we feel asleep cuddled close together. Chests pressed up tight, holding on for dear life. Both fearing waking up and it being a dream. Both knowing that could never happen. Sirius knew in that moment he would always have a family.


	3. Chapter 3

But he was wrong, this was only seventh year. Within only four years time everything would be changed and rewritten. When James and Lily go into hiding the tension would grow weeds between the love Remus and Sirius shared. Hesitation and distrust would suffocate them till they stop sleeping in the same bed and sell the apartment they shared. Till secrets become locked away and glances held nothing but fear and hurt. Remus would become suspicious that Sirius would be overcome by the dark blood in his family; and Sirius suspicious of the monster lurking inside Remus's veins. In secret Sirius would still visit Remus during the full moon, Padfoot's figure transfigured to look like a different dog so Remus wouldn't know. However Sirius always make sure left before Remus could wake and see the truth lying in his eyes. Sirius turned to alcohol and other destructive methods to cope with the pain that Remus could no longer be there for.

Only when the it was too late did Sirius realize that _he_ was to blame for losing everything he held dear. His brother Regulus gone and lost to the dark side because he couldn't pretend well enough to keep his brother around him and safe. He lost James, his other brother, and his wonderful wife Lily for trusting the wrong friend. The friend who just got the job done did the wrong one. Had he only trusted himself to keep James and Lily's secret to the grave then Peter would never had been trust. For Merlin's sake he convinced James and Lily to take Peter to be their secret keeper. _He_ was the one to blame for putting too much trust in Peter. Not to mention Remus. His one and only true love would never forgive him for ever believing the werewolf would ever take over his best friend. That the Remus could ever lose the internal battle he had been fighting and winning ever since he was a small child. The one part of him he was the most insecure about and Sirius just _rubbed_ it right in his face. All for naught. All was ruined and he _laughed_ when he found out. All these things that could have destroyed Sirius and it was himself that had done it in the end. What else could possibly get worse? He'll give himself an answer but not one he will ever be aware of.

In Azkaban with the Dementors constantly sucking at his soul and all the few memories Sirius had that made him happy he decided to focus with all his might on every moment he had had romantically with Remus. The moments that kept him sane. However in doing so he was unwittingly feeding the memories to the dementors. When the memories grew faded and foggy Sirius just thought it was because of the atmosphere he was in, just thought it had to do with the time that was passing between the then and now . Eventually after years and years of wear and tear on those precious memories he was no longer able to recall them. They were forever gone in Sirius, the dementors acting like an Obliviate. The process was so slow Sirius was unaware he even lost them when the last one disappeared for good. There was only one person who would truly feel their lost, and that person was Remus. The last alive who remembered, who would even know of the lost. However he would only blame himself for that lost.

Blame himself that Sirius, when finally free, never mentions the times they were intimate. Blames himself that Sirius won't allow for more than a five second hug. Yes Remus timed each and every one though they were few and far between. He blamed himself for the lack of so much as hand holding. Figuring that Sirius will never let go that Remus thought he would follow his parents, won't let go of the fact that Remus didn't fight for his freedom. Figured Sirius never truly forgave him for that time he was so very rough despite pleading for forgiveness multiple times and thinking he had actually gotten it. He won't let it to hurt, he told himself. Repeatedly told himself he wasn't worth that pain, that he wasn't _allowed_ that pain for he caused it to _himself_ and no one else was to blame. But Merlin be damned how Remus cried after he went to Sirius for help. Telling him how Tonks wouldn't leave him alone, how she wanted to marry Remus. He cried because Sirius smile at him and told him "you should Moony, you deserve that level of happiness" and left the room. Remus went to his cold bed that night and sobbed for hours as a throbbing pain of lost filled his heart. To a random bystander those words would hold no malice. Surely Sirius was being kind and saying he was worth something but no. Remus could only hear the words 'that level' a pitiful biting level below the one he once had, below the one he wanted so so desperately.

Later that night Remus would do the one thing he swore he never would. He pulled out the little box he always carried on his person and opened it to see those two beautiful rings that Sirius had bought for them. Two beautiful engagement rings that they only had the opportunity to wear for a pitiful five months. Less than half a year before they were torn from fingers amongst a heated disagreement. He kissed them both one last time, then walked to the nearest lake and threw them in. He watched the lake ripple as the rings, with his heart, sank to the very bottom. He fell to his knees and sobbed some more. Almost wishing he had the strength to tear away his very memories with an obliviate but at the same time glad he never would have that 'strength'. He wished that he had been at school, that he had been a triwizard champion at this very moment and that this lake was on school grounds. He knew, however, that unlike Harry, Victor, Fleur, and Cedric he would never get his most prized possession back from the depths of this lake. He knew that he would never get his most prized possession from Sirius's heart again. He knew that he had truly lost the love he loved the most. There was nothing he could do about it. He would forever blame himself.

Despite this it is safe to bet every last galleon you own that on the night of Sirius's murder he ran to lake, all alone. He jumped and swam to the bottom. Wand tossed to the side and forgotten. He spent the entire night scouring every last inch of the bottom of that grimy lake until he finally had both rings in his grasp again. Than he took more galleons than he should have from his savings and ran to the nearest wizarding tattoo parlor to get them magically tattooed onto his body. The process was painful but it felt at place and in harmony with how his heart and soul was hurting. The rings would no longer be physical but forever etched into his skin. Later he would lie to tonks saying they were his parents and he would die with the truth.


End file.
